Leading Questions

When I was in High School, the neighbor of a friend once questioned who I was by saying “Is that the girl that looks like she could shot put a Volvo?”. Now, the reason I bring this up is that I recently saw a commercial on TV for an online dating company (Chemistry)…and the commercial featured two gay men!!! I was so excited that this online dating site included gay people, unlike eHarmony, that I decided to support them and sign up for an account.

During one of the questions it asked my body type and I thought to myself….volvo shot putter….but that didn’t seem to an option so I chose "stocky". Now, as I examined the other questions, I decided that all people must put things in their profiles that sound the same – loves animals, sports, hiking, doesn’t smoke, wants kids.… and realized how in god’s green earth will anyone ever stand out in all this?

So, I think they should ask different questions that might more clearly draw out personality types. For example…instead of asking your highest level of education there should be a fill in the word blank before this radio button. So that it looked more like this:

“I barely finished High School ” or “I slept my way through Grad School”.

And when they want you to describe your body type you could put my favorite body part is my thumb or my least attracive body feature is my arm waggle.

Lastly, when asking if you like kids or animals they should include the question “Why?” afterwards or a because section so that you can write,

“I hate kids because they never stop screaming” or “I love animals because they’re the only ones who truly understand me”

HELLO!!!! Talk about looking deeper into someone’s personality. I mean, if you don’t ask these types of questions, you’ve got a bunch of people running around all looking the same. All curvy college grads who like animals, walking on beaches and are passionate about…BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Anyway, how is my online dating going you ask? Well, it’s not. I have no intention whatsoever to pay to date. If I can't do it for free, then I shouldn't be doing it. So, really, as someone reminded me, I’m not supporting this company at all. Oh well.

Behind closed doors

I'd just gotten home from work. It was about 8 o'clock and I had a list of things to accomplish that night. A few things pulled from the constant to-do list. Before I began I thought I would unwind with a bit of tele. Something had to pump me up to get things done.

So I jumped on the couch, found some Law and Order and then thought to myself you know what would make this better.... A beer! So I grabbed my friend, Sam, from the fridge.

After about 10 minutes it was clear....I wasn't going to be doing anything tonight. Well, I thought, if I'm just going to watch tv, I might as well stretch or something while I'm at it. So I got on the floor....took out my foam roller and began to roll out my leg muscles.

Only problem was, my pants were getting in the way. No problem. I was alone, right, so I can take my pants off. And maybe I did some pushups. Maybe I did some situps and maybe just maybe my apartment is in the high 70s and getting hotter. So, being alone in there and all, I thought... I can take my shirt off, no one can see me.

So there I am. In my underwear and sports bra, drinking beer sitting on the floor, occasionally stretching or exercising and watching law and order. Kinda funny, yes?

Yeah maybe it is. Until someone knocks at the door.

I am instantly embarrassed- what on earth could prevent me from opening the door right away. I freeze and shout "yes?" The answer comes back "hey". And I think "shit shit pants shirt pants shirt" and shout "hold on" rush to throw my clothes back on and come to the door red faced and distracted.

It was a neighbor and the first thing out of their mouth is "why do you have a fake lock on your door?". I explain about my top lock being a weird size and the fake plate covering the hole until I get a new lock.

And that's when the response comes "oh well I pushed it up to cover the hole... cause you can see inside your apartment."

Inner voice: Oh my god. Don't tell me I was just bouncing around in all my glory for the whole world to see AND I just walked to the door putting clothes on to give an even better view.

I quickly change the subject, invite them in to see my apartment and am secretly dying inside. They probably thought I was a total spaz- speaking quickly, not listening. But I couldn't help it. I wanted to look through the hole myself and see the view, see what they really saw. Maybe it was just a view of the window or wall?

Later on, when I'm sure the coast was clear, I go out in the hall, slip the lock face down and lean into the crack of light. And there it is - my entire living room.

Yes, indeed. I was in all my undies for anyone to see. The moral of this story? Always keep some clothes on, even behind clothes doors... because you never know...if you're really alone.

Taxes

With things as they are, you know, spiraling down the economic garbage shoot of life, I thought that there is one thing that maybe the goverment hasn't thought of to help us out of the hole. I am sure there are lots of you out there that have, and probably continue to, talk about it.... but here is my brainchild - legalizing marijuana.

Now, I'm not going to tell you we should legalize marijuana because it's not that bad. Though, I don't think it is. No, that is not my arguement. I'm going to tell you we should legalize marijuana because we can TAX it.

There are lots of extra taxes that goverments, throughout the nation and world, are bringing in to off-set economies. Taxing soda, taxing gas, cigarettes, luxuries....WELL HELL people. If you make it legal you can tax Marijuana! You can tax the wholesalers and the buyers! And think about the extra economy it would bring in!

It would legitimize current subversive undertakings. No more scary street drug deals "Honey, I'm just off to the store for a pack o' joints!" You would have drug dealers being required to pay into social security and medicaid systems. Farmers already farming their own, could expand and hire farm hands!! More taxes taken out of pay checks....Don't try to stop marijuana usage....Make money off it!!!

Think about it...you can have Liquors 44 and Smokes 420!

And is it really that bad? Though I do no smoke it, rumor has it, Marijuana is no more addictive than alcohol - believed to be less so by many- and that's legal. People might say it won't put you in your right mind...but a friend brought up that when was the last time you heard of someone going on a murderous bender while high as a kite? Unless you're talking about murdering a bag of chips!

Now, let's keep this in perspective. I'm not suggesting legalizing cocaine, or acid or any other scary bad thing. Just the simple, lame weed...and you know it's like prohibition - when people made bathtub gin - people are still going to make it and sell it...AND like some potent bathtub gins...marijuana is not regulated so therefore we could make it safer by making it legal.

I'm going to start my letter now.

Dear Department of Taxation and Finance....

Subject-O-Matique

There I am writing an email in yahoo when I float over the subject button and what to my wonderous eyes should appear but a tag that says "Subject-O-Matique". What on earth could this be, I wonder. When you click the To: button, it opens your address book, so if you click this, will it open a box of potential subject lines? And so, living on the edge, as one does, I decide to click....

And, to my surprise, it inserts an automatic subject line..... "Did you pay the ransom?"
What?!!!!

So, I click it again..... "Re: Are you alone?"

I like this!!! click

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza"

Let's keep playing...click it again...

"It's not you, it's me. I don't like you."

Ha ha...how many of them are there?

"I'd love to, but I'm building a pig from a kit."

Every time you click...another completely random subject it typed into the line.

"important: do not eat the fish"

Some are very amusing...

"Re: test results"

Some might be in an inbox near you!!!

"we have located your pants"

Some might be too close to send

"About last night..."

And lots are funny enough to share. Take a Look....

i've arranged a list of exciting things we can do for the next thirty years
How about never? Is never good for you?
Great juggler on the radio tonight!
I Brake for Unicorns
the art of driving a giant, nuclear powered duck
Dang...Probation denied again!
Space heaters make great house-warming gifts
Expanding the NFL season to 162 games
I'll take that drink now.
Take this pen and don't forget to turn on your windshield wiper blades.
Do Not Read
Puddin Cups
Couples welcome
Did you or did you not order the CODE RED?!
we never once talked about a blow dryer
heating pork chops in the toaster
I don't know quite how to say this
I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that.
puking rainbows
Interesting article on eggplant
Smells like a wet dog.
Fwd: Re: FW[2]: RE: re: [FWD] joke
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Please feel free to place random subjects into emails. This will greatly improve the quality of life - yours and those you send emails too.

Do you yahoo?

There has been a shift over the past few years for a lot people I know to move to using gmail rather than other options. Even last week I received an email from my brother who had always used his service provider's email account.....now, Gmail.

So, like anyone else, I wanted to see what it was about and have had a gmail account now for over two years. It helped that I made the gmail address a little more professional, so I could use it for more professional purposes, but overall yahoo still has my love.....This is what I have to say.

Gchat is great. You can see status updates for all your friends, by which you can share funny things, news articles or slander your office mates for sitting or not sitting on exercise balls.

However... the way gmail compiles conversations? Completely annoying! Say for example, someone replies back to an email you sent... this will get grouped all in one place - convenient to see everything in one place, yes- possible to miss something? YES!

If someone replies a second time because they forgot to say something in their first email, when you go and see there is something new from them (unless you know the number of emails back and forth) you might just read the last thing they wrote and miss what they said before! What happened to just giving each email it's own line? I don't mind reading through all the previous emails at the bottom to recap.

Now, what if I wanted to have multiple things open? Like two different emails, my normal inbox and a search for someone else's email? In yahoo, I can have multiple tabs open to do all these things - just as you could have in your browser page. In gmail - even though it's fast - you would reload the page for each of these.

And what about mobility? I can grab and drop in yahoo...quickly moving songs over... and in gmail...the archaic "move to" drop down options...tsk tsk.

Yahoo beta rocks my socks - if they could get their chatting system up to snap with gchat - things would be 100% better over there.

For now, I'll split my time between then as they both have their uses...

Polls

While the gods don't always come through, they have managed to align me in a room everyday with some of the most terrific people. This is the place I refer to as work, though sometimes it can be described better as prison or torture. We all rarely threaten to quit more than a few times a month...the reason? Each other. These people are smart, extremely quick and have a amazing sense of humor.

Allow me to show you an example. There I was looking to add a weekly poll to our website. Something interactive and fun for children and families. Like "what super power would you choose? Super strength, the ability to fly or being invisible." This way people would come back every week to see what the new poll was. But I quickly ran out of ideas - right after "Who would win a race between a quesadilla or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?" So, I opened it up to the group and what followed was some of the best ideas for polls you may ever find. Such as:

If you could have one thing when you're stranded on a desert island?
A dirty magazine
Alcohol
Crack
Sony Playstation

Who's your daddy?
I don't know
The guy next door
Uncle joey

But this was really just the beginning. Shortly after the "warm-up" we decided on some really great polls to add. These are my favorite...feel free to weigh in with answers....and wait to see them up soon.

How tight are your jeans?
Skin tight
What jeans...I painted them on
They're falling off my ass

How fat is your mama?
So fat she has her own zip code
So fat she strikes oil in her high heels

Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?
Yes
No

Or it's follow up

How many times does your milkshake bring the boys to the yard?
Once a month
Once a week
Three times a week
Everyday

With work like this...who needs free time?

He won by a nose

If you're a horse, a nose seems very important. It's something you can win by. It's pretty much your whole face in one big extension. But for us humans... what is the point? I mean from the ages of 3-6 it's a great place to put stuff...peas, beans...maybe some wallpaper. And from ages 4-7 it's a great place to take things out of. But past that, the "toy" aspect is gone.

I understand the small holes- because we can't chew with our noses...no one wants to aspirate anything... but you could put the whole nose thing back in your face. Keep the small holes for breathing and whatnot, but get rid of the sinus cavities, that's for sure. Those serve very little purpose. Trust me, I'm missing a right frontal sinus and I'm ok... I still have a great sense of smell. The only other thing I feel sinuses do well, is get blocked. Eliminate them and eliminate that!

And if we didn't have noses...there would be no people who couldn't see past their nose...there'd be no nose to focus on!! We wouldn't have deviated septums to hinder the breathing process. How great would that be? No one would have to get a nose job to reduce that bump or hook!

Granted you'd have nothing to pinch when you need to drink some nasty medicine. But can't we just install that in the earlobe?